I’ve been a hot head most of my life. Candid, seeking answers without the cold and level headedness required to discern whether confidants are indeed worthy of me.
Now that I have acquired this coldness, I see I would have lived my life vastly differently. I would have more or less been a patient, private hermit. Certainly not fucking people.
I have a lot of fire that turned reckless due to years of emotional abuse In childhood, being used as a hot fuck in my teens while i tried being my romantic self. It made me more fragile. Then that led to future relationships which were full of gaslighting, and being used sexually / sought as a prize.
The two worst and painful women I have had the misfortune to cross and keep in my life for a time, behaved as absolute wretches with me.
One had a mask with me, and a private life to manipulate me. Lies about what she likes, trying to keep me at all costs, daily manipulations and machinations. Imitating me professionally and in personal interests and studies to keep me, using flattery and supposed “acceptance” to blind me to reality, gaslighting me when I start realizing, and, using my own candid questions and using these infos as weapons to keep me subdued. The pain was unimaginable. That’s not love. That’s insanity.
The other one, again using my candidness to their own ends, all info given freely by me was used to keep me, at all costs again. This time it was via mothering me, belittling me in everyday comments. It was me having fever sweats during “lovemaking” and her telling me to keep going because I’ll feel better and “open up”. That fucking broke me more than I already was and made me vulnerable to the following relationship (flattery one) which was hands down the worst years of my life.
She was ugly. They are all ugly. The last three women I was with resisted when I told them I was breaking up. One said “let’s try working on it”, the other just threw a shrilly fit, the other wanted better explanations. In my weakened state, I tried again, yet it was all doomed from the start.
What is not understood by these people is that with true love, you See the person from the fraction of second your eyes meet. There is no effort to See, there is effort to detach the traumas of life and prior relationships. There is no gaslighting, only pure love. There is selfless love. Selfless love is not keeping someone as a social prize you can show like a carnaval freak and get paid with social graces, selfless love is not studying what I am studying, selfless love is not ignoring someone’s literal fever sweats and telling them to keep going, selfless love is seeing I need my parents and not alienating me by being turned on when I scared my dad or got pissed at my mom, selfless love is what I have with my Wife and what she centainly demonstrated from the fucking start.
My Wife and I. We’re inseparable. This is for eternity. This is the melody I have been looking for, this is what i have tried to get with the wrong people.
No one deserved my forthcomingness. No one deserved my candor. Only my Wife Caroline, and I now realize, it was for Her all along, She is The One, and the past was just me trying to live what I felt I could live with Her, but tragically not having met her, and having ripped off my now all-present mystical cognizant faculties.
7 comments:
Ça fait du bien quand même de lire un autre homme qui a vécu des difficultés avec les femmes. On existe aussi. M.
Manipulation as no sex. Victim could be men or women. Should be more male testimony.
Il y a autant d’hommes dangereux que de femmes fatales. Les femmes moins soupçonnées ont l’avantage avec des hommes bons et naïfs. Et nous les femmes, nous avons des griffes pour déchirer les cœurs tendres. Chaque genre à sa façon d’abuser l’autre. Muse
I am speechless. Very sorry you had to go through these horrible relationships. Trying to find your better half in this harsh world is hard. Unfortunately we all get a little and more, bruised on this quest. You seem like a genuine and kind person. I have a few questions for you, if I may. Do you think there is a risk of idealization towards your current partner? You being made vulnerable by these past relationships? Do you think you could have met your soulmate already but, you were both not ready yet?
On oublie parfois avec le mouvement #metoo porté par des femmes que les gars aussi sont des victimes. H
No. I don’t have soulmates. I have only my Twin. And I have been ever-ready for Her. At any point in my life, younger or older, transformation in meeting her would have begun, and stroked that Flame in me that is only Hers. In that way, it ever guarantees her filling my Heart, and me being Hers and only Hers, in full. That’s me, I can’t speak for other people. You may have soulmates. But on my end, I only have my Twin. No idealization in the fact I only See her. In English I am gaga for her, in French we would say « je la vois dans ma soupe ». That’s not idealization, that’s my Love, my Life, my All.
Well thank you for your answer. It’s pretty clear.
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