When I was a teen, the scariest horror movie trope for me,
and by far, far, far, was zombies. These chilled me to the core. I realized
recently that I was the one that was eaten by them, the one whose child legs gave
out in horror, overwhelmed and especially alone, each bite taken and each
infection inflicted, a pure horror that would narrow your pupils until they disappeared
into Zombie Nothingness.
All my life, for my own survival reasons, I have given way
too much credit to people who absolutely did not deserve it. Even to people who
did not deserve my glance in the first place. I was riddled with hurts and sores,
and the healing I did not place on myself had to go somewhere, so my dumb
reflex was to alleviate very ordinary people’s miserable lives.
I’m sorry, but people are fucking dumb. They are or act
idiotic, and they love their prisons SO much they habitually masturbate with
the bars of their cage so pleased with those iron rods of confirmation biases heated
with the friction of their little angers and lubed up with their self-serving
tears, in between rounds of their mindless circular walks in their 1 ½ studios.
I know about that, because I tried pretending I was one of them my whole life
before I kissed my Wife.
The World of Horrors is a disgusting crowd, and until I
wrenched myself free (Wife), my mind and especially body were not mine. And
over time, with the hidden premises that emerged from trauma adaptation in a
hostile environment, I came to associate the feeling of loss and emotional pain
of being with the wrong people (everyone) in the ‘’dating world’’ with a good
thing. However, every ounce of my pure Self was screaming in agony at every
moment, and I am gladly paying the price for those revelations. I have also
never been richer.
A common thread in my dating life, was that people thought
they knew better than me. About myself. My inner life. MY emotions. Did you
think that when I was confused, that maybe the right thing to do was try
to help me find my way? No. All you girls thought of, was your next bite.
